Working with Resistance

For those of you who do not know, I recently graduated with my MSW (masters in Social Work). One of the key lessons we learned in my curriculum about dealing with clients is to work with, rather than against, their resistance to change. I learned rather quickly how true it is that you get a lot farther in working with your clients when you aren't fighting them, or trying to make them change.  I noticed that my clients who I worked with during my master's program were quicker and more willing to make changes in their lives when they were able to discover the steps on their own--because they felt empowered to make necessary changes--they felt ready to take those steps.

I think this valuable lesson translates into all relationships, especially the marital one. As we approach people we care about, we might be able to see more clearly than they can-certain characteristics which they could improve, but it's not our job to fix them. Can we encourage them to become better people? Yes, I think so. But what does that encouragement look like? Well, I can tell you what it is not: criticizing someone with hopes of changing them. I used to think that worked, but it doesn't. It reminds me of a quote from one of my favorite comedies (this is so non-Christian but I just loved the film) "Knocked Up." Allison and her sister, Debbie, are driving home from a bar and discussing marriage. Debbie tells Allison the secret to making her husband a better man:

"You criticize them so much, they get down on themselves, and then they're forced to change."

I think a lot of wives these days would subscribe to that train of thought. But we know from the wisdom found in scripture, that it doesn't work that way. I have decided that on my journey to becoming a more submissive wife, I also want to be a wife who empowers my husband to better himself, rather than nagging him in hopes that he'll change. 

"A nagging wife is as annoying as the constant dripping on a rainy day." Proverbs 27:15

Of course, my inner feminist is needing to make it clear that I believe these truths aren't just for wives, but husbands as well.  Although that is the case, for my own health and sanity, I know I need to focus not on what my husband is working on, but what I can work on. Yes, my husband can be a nag sometimes. He can be downright critical. But I know that he is working with God on overcoming these issues in his life, and he needs my patience as he tries to change. (Just as I need his, in the matters I've been writing about in this blog.)

So, to paint an example of how I've been working on this particular issue in my marriage, I wanted to tell you about a request I had made from my husband.... and how I handled it when there was resistance.

I am 9 months pregnant. Yep. Any day now, I'm going to be pushing a 7 pound baby boy out of my body. My husband and I are very excited about this! However, do to changes that will be occurring in our lives since we will be having a newborn, I have been evaluating some of our habits and considering how we could change things to better accommodate our baby as well as keeping our marriage a priority. 

My husband is currently the breadwinner. Since I found out I was pregnant shortly before graduating with my MSW, I decided to hold off on starting my career so that I could spend time with my baby boy. And my husband, being a generous soul, agreed that it would be good for our family for someone to stay with our newborn in his early stages, rather than both of us working and having a stranger watch our child 30-40 hours out of the week. We're at a place in our lives where God has blessed us with the ability to survive off of one income, and we're going to take advantage of that, for now. 

My husband works 40 hours a week, but because he has been working in web development for a flexible company, he was able to make his own hours. He and I are both night owls. We love staying up late and sleeping in late. So, for the past few years, he has had the luxury of not having to be at work until 9:30am... which of course means he is at the office until 6:00 pm. This has not bothered me much at all, as I said, I enjoy staying up late so I understand why he would set his hours as such.

However, with a baby on the way, I know that our lives are going to change. We are probably not going to be sleeping nearly as much, and definitely not going to be sleeping in late in the mornings anymore. I really want our family to have a routine, and preferably, I would like it to be an earlier routine. As things have been going presently, my husband comes home from work to a cooked dinner (which I don't have a problem cooking since he has been working all day!) at about 6:30. We sit and enjoy our meal until about 7. Then we clean the kitchen together and are usually done at 7:30. 

This just seems soooo late! Ideally, if I could change this, I would make it so that our clean up would be done at 6, or 6:30. Now with baby coming, this is even more important because we're going to have to work on getting baby to sleep at night... and I want there to be time for us to spend together in the evenings. 

I have explained this to him; we actually had a conversation about it several months ago, at which point my husband told me he would "think about" changing his work hours to be more in line with my wants. 

The other day, he told me that he'd really rather not change his work hours. He explained to me that besides the joy of sleeping in later, he also likes being able to avoid traffic in St Louis. I had to pause and recognize that he is allowed to feel that way. He is allowed to have a difference of opinion. I know from the experience of working in St Louis for my internship, that the additional traffic time during rush hour is only 10-15 minutes, but I told him that I understood why he would feel annoyed by that. I explained to him once more my feelings on the matter, and he was able to reflect why it matters to me that he would come home from work earlier. But I told him, that as I am trying to become a more submissive wife, that since I am aware that he knows my wants, and that I am trusting that he also wants what is best for our marriage, that I'll trust him with whatever he decides to do about his work hours. To that, he replied, "Okay, well, let's see what happens when the baby is born." 

So, maybe I didn't win that argument. Not in the sense that I got my way. But you know, I feel like I did win. I really wanted him to know why it was important for me that he comes home earlier. Now it is up to him to decide if he wants that or not. And even if he doesn't give in to what I want right now, he might see things from my point of view later on.... or maybe I'll realize that him coming home from work at a later time is doable as well.... and in the end, it's not that big of a deal. We won the argument because we both felt heard. If I went into it, guns blazing, demanding what I wanted.... (like we usually do all the time)... we both would have been frustrated with each other and our marriage. But, I'm learning now that being a submissive wife and choosing humility over pride... well... it definitely gives me more of a sense of peace.