Working with Resistance

For those of you who do not know, I recently graduated with my MSW (masters in Social Work). One of the key lessons we learned in my curriculum about dealing with clients is to work with, rather than against, their resistance to change. I learned rather quickly how true it is that you get a lot farther in working with your clients when you aren't fighting them, or trying to make them change.  I noticed that my clients who I worked with during my master's program were quicker and more willing to make changes in their lives when they were able to discover the steps on their own--because they felt empowered to make necessary changes--they felt ready to take those steps.

I think this valuable lesson translates into all relationships, especially the marital one. As we approach people we care about, we might be able to see more clearly than they can-certain characteristics which they could improve, but it's not our job to fix them. Can we encourage them to become better people? Yes, I think so. But what does that encouragement look like? Well, I can tell you what it is not: criticizing someone with hopes of changing them. I used to think that worked, but it doesn't. It reminds me of a quote from one of my favorite comedies (this is so non-Christian but I just loved the film) "Knocked Up." Allison and her sister, Debbie, are driving home from a bar and discussing marriage. Debbie tells Allison the secret to making her husband a better man:

"You criticize them so much, they get down on themselves, and then they're forced to change."

I think a lot of wives these days would subscribe to that train of thought. But we know from the wisdom found in scripture, that it doesn't work that way. I have decided that on my journey to becoming a more submissive wife, I also want to be a wife who empowers my husband to better himself, rather than nagging him in hopes that he'll change. 

"A nagging wife is as annoying as the constant dripping on a rainy day." Proverbs 27:15

Of course, my inner feminist is needing to make it clear that I believe these truths aren't just for wives, but husbands as well.  Although that is the case, for my own health and sanity, I know I need to focus not on what my husband is working on, but what I can work on. Yes, my husband can be a nag sometimes. He can be downright critical. But I know that he is working with God on overcoming these issues in his life, and he needs my patience as he tries to change. (Just as I need his, in the matters I've been writing about in this blog.)

So, to paint an example of how I've been working on this particular issue in my marriage, I wanted to tell you about a request I had made from my husband.... and how I handled it when there was resistance.

I am 9 months pregnant. Yep. Any day now, I'm going to be pushing a 7 pound baby boy out of my body. My husband and I are very excited about this! However, do to changes that will be occurring in our lives since we will be having a newborn, I have been evaluating some of our habits and considering how we could change things to better accommodate our baby as well as keeping our marriage a priority. 

My husband is currently the breadwinner. Since I found out I was pregnant shortly before graduating with my MSW, I decided to hold off on starting my career so that I could spend time with my baby boy. And my husband, being a generous soul, agreed that it would be good for our family for someone to stay with our newborn in his early stages, rather than both of us working and having a stranger watch our child 30-40 hours out of the week. We're at a place in our lives where God has blessed us with the ability to survive off of one income, and we're going to take advantage of that, for now. 

My husband works 40 hours a week, but because he has been working in web development for a flexible company, he was able to make his own hours. He and I are both night owls. We love staying up late and sleeping in late. So, for the past few years, he has had the luxury of not having to be at work until 9:30am... which of course means he is at the office until 6:00 pm. This has not bothered me much at all, as I said, I enjoy staying up late so I understand why he would set his hours as such.

However, with a baby on the way, I know that our lives are going to change. We are probably not going to be sleeping nearly as much, and definitely not going to be sleeping in late in the mornings anymore. I really want our family to have a routine, and preferably, I would like it to be an earlier routine. As things have been going presently, my husband comes home from work to a cooked dinner (which I don't have a problem cooking since he has been working all day!) at about 6:30. We sit and enjoy our meal until about 7. Then we clean the kitchen together and are usually done at 7:30. 

This just seems soooo late! Ideally, if I could change this, I would make it so that our clean up would be done at 6, or 6:30. Now with baby coming, this is even more important because we're going to have to work on getting baby to sleep at night... and I want there to be time for us to spend together in the evenings. 

I have explained this to him; we actually had a conversation about it several months ago, at which point my husband told me he would "think about" changing his work hours to be more in line with my wants. 

The other day, he told me that he'd really rather not change his work hours. He explained to me that besides the joy of sleeping in later, he also likes being able to avoid traffic in St Louis. I had to pause and recognize that he is allowed to feel that way. He is allowed to have a difference of opinion. I know from the experience of working in St Louis for my internship, that the additional traffic time during rush hour is only 10-15 minutes, but I told him that I understood why he would feel annoyed by that. I explained to him once more my feelings on the matter, and he was able to reflect why it matters to me that he would come home from work earlier. But I told him, that as I am trying to become a more submissive wife, that since I am aware that he knows my wants, and that I am trusting that he also wants what is best for our marriage, that I'll trust him with whatever he decides to do about his work hours. To that, he replied, "Okay, well, let's see what happens when the baby is born." 

So, maybe I didn't win that argument. Not in the sense that I got my way. But you know, I feel like I did win. I really wanted him to know why it was important for me that he comes home earlier. Now it is up to him to decide if he wants that or not. And even if he doesn't give in to what I want right now, he might see things from my point of view later on.... or maybe I'll realize that him coming home from work at a later time is doable as well.... and in the end, it's not that big of a deal. We won the argument because we both felt heard. If I went into it, guns blazing, demanding what I wanted.... (like we usually do all the time)... we both would have been frustrated with each other and our marriage. But, I'm learning now that being a submissive wife and choosing humility over pride... well... it definitely gives me more of a sense of peace.  

Harder than I thought...

So, I'm only a couple days in to my transformation. The night I wrote the first blog post, I knew that becoming submissive was going to be a challenge for me, but I was under the assumption that I'd at least make it a couple days without exerting the need to control.

I was wrong. I definitely underestimated the work it would take to "transform."

I'm having difficulty trying to determine what fits into the category of what is necessary for submission. Is it really everything? I mean, even if I trust that my husband doesn't want to just mess with me... do I really need to submit to him in all things? Like... even when he suggests that I get to work on those homemade thank you gifts I've been procrastinating on? Who does he think he is? I was the one who came up with that idea... I'll follow through with it when I'm good and ready. 

Father God: Daughter, I gifted you with ideas, with vision. You see possibilities. But you're somewhat weak on the follow-through. 

Me: Yeah, I have a lot of incomplete projects, don't I?

Father God: But he is a motivator. He isn't good at getting things started... but he's good at making sure they get done.

Me: It's weird how we complete each other in that way.

Pride. Oh how I hate you, pride. My husband probably was just trying to help me by reminding me to work on something... and I just had to let him know that I was planning on doing it already. Another way of saying, "I don't need you... I can do it myself."

So where does that come from, I wonder? I think I have always felt the need to prove that I can do things myself... that I am capable... that I am good enough. And those things are true. However, what is better than ONE person who is capable and good enough, doing things alone? 

Ecclesiastes 4:12

"A person standing alone can be attacked and defeated, but two can stand back-to-back and conquer. Three are even better, for a triple-braided cord is not easily broken."

How do married people show a reflection of God's image? God is: Father, Son, Holy Spirit. They lean on each other for strength.

Marriage is: God, Husband, Wife. And a triple braided-cord is not easily broken. When I am weak, my husband is strong, and vice versa. I think the next step in my journey is to find out how I should utilize my strengths to help him acknowledge my weaknesses and be willing to accept his help, rather than assuming he is going to abuse his God-given authority. 

Me: God, please help me to trust my husband more. I really don't want to be afraid that he is going to hurt me. Why do I have so much anxiety about relinquishing control?

Father God: One step at a time. Don't worry, my child. I'll give you plenty of practice. 

Maybe this is a bad example... but I couldn't help but let my favorite Disney princess out :)

A tough pill to swallow

A woman's place is in the home.

Wives are to be submissive to their husbands.

A woman should dress modestly.

Women are to be silent.

Women are not to exercise authority over a man.

What kind of feelings do these statement arouse in you? If you're anything like me, hearing those words causes me to feel anger and a sense of injustice. And rightly so.. considering these words have been uttered by so many bigoted men, with the primary goal being to manipulate women into giving in to the man's selfish desires. 

Before I continue in this post, I have to inform you that I am a Christian woman. This is a big part of my life. Actually, let me rephrase that. This is the most important part of my life. I really desire for God to be the center of all things in me; after all, that is what makes him God. As a Christian woman who has been taken advantage of by other people in my life, I wrestle with the tension of wanting to submit to God's authority and having a sense of distrust and fear of manipulation.

Due to these fears, and other things inside myself, it is naturally difficult to read certain passages in scripture about women. Let's go over a few:

Titus 2:3-5 "Older women likewise are to be reverent in behavior, not slanderers or slaves to much wine. They are to teach what is good, and so train the young women to love their husbands and children, to be self-controlled, pure, working at home, kind, and submissive to their own husbands, that the word of God may not be reviled."

1 Peter 3:1 "Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives."

1 Corinthians 11:3 "But I want you to understand that the head of every man is Christ, the head of a wife is her husband, and the head of Christ is God."

Colossians 3:18 "Wives, submit to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord."

Ephesians 5:22-24 "Wives, be subject to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, as Christ also is the head of the church, He Himself being the Savior of the body. But as the church is subject to Christ, so also the wives ought to be to their husbands in everything."

What is this? 1954? No one actually expects women to be submissive to their husbands anymore. 

I have been mostly coping with these bible verses by applying the general excuse that they should be taken in their cultural context. Obviously, women are not treated as property anymore as they once were regarded... therefore these verses do not apply. After all, it's almost 2014, and we have come such a long way in women's rights--and we are not lesser than men. We are equal. We were created equal and we should be treated as equals. 

But if we're really living our lives according to scripture, we have to be careful what we assume applies or doesn't apply. 

Something happened to me today that turned my perspective around slightly. And I do believe it was a divine revelation from the Lord. Now, don't let those words scare you. I didn't hear God's voice in a burning bush, or coming out of the sky as the clouds separated and His bright light descended on me. --(even though, for some people, those things happen). I heard it in the quiet of my own living room, in an interaction between me and the Lord, as I cracked open my Bible to read His word-- not totally sure where to start, but just wanting to listen to what He had to say to me on this day. 

As a woman who doesn't put up with much crap, who is proud of her own accomplishments, and who believes that she can take care of herself.... God told me that He wants me to be a woman of biblical submission. My reaction was a little something like this:

Let me tell you how the conversation went. 

Me: God, it's been a little while since we've talked. I really think I should open up your pages and see what you want to share with me today. 

I opened up my Bible to 1 Timothy. I quickly read through the first chapter, nodding with approval of most of what Paul was writing to Timothy. I underlined and highlighted 1 Timothy 1:15-16, where Paul humbly admits that he is the worst of sinners... that he was shown mercy so that the power of Christ would be displayed in all of its glory. As I read, I said, "Yes, Lord. This is soooo true. Your power is so big, you could save the worst of sinners.--and if the guy who wrote over half of the new testament considers himself the worst of sinners, what does that make me? I like this Paul guy, he is so humble. He's definitely on to something here..." 

And then I came to 1 Timothy 2:9-10...

"I also want women to dress modestly, with decency and propriety, not with braided hair or gold or pearls or expensive clothes, but with good deeds, appropriate for women who profess to worship God."

Me: God, obviously this is not relevant anymore. There is nothing wrong with braiding your hair or wearing pearls. I'll just glaze over this part.

Then God's word hit me like a ton of bricks in 1 Timothy 2:11-15...

"A woman should learn quietness and full submission. I do not permit women to teach or to have authority over a man; SHE MUST BE SILENT. For Adam was not the one who was deceived and became a sinner. But women will be saved through childbearing--if they continue in faith, love and holiness with propriety."

Me: 

Yeah, God. I don't think so. There's no way I will ever be in "full submission," or "silent," and HOW DARE PAUL ASSERT THAT HE HAS THE RIGHT TO PERMIT WOMEN TO TEACH OR NOT TEACH!!! How dare he say that it's our fault for the fall! How dare he say that we will be saved through.... CHILDBEARING as if that is all we're good for. That no-good-woman-hating..... humble, God-fearing... man. 

Father God: I can see that this passage really pushes your buttons, daughter. 

Me: God, you said we were all one in Christ! (actually, Paul said that). Galatians 3:26... you know, there is no jew or greek, no slave or free, no male or female, we're all one. So what on earth? How can you contradict yourself here? 

Father God: Do you really think I contradict myself?

Me: ... I don't know. Maybe.

Father God: Look into it some more. I have so much I want to show you.

Me: Okay God. Let me google this passage.

And I came across this article: https://bible.org/book/export/html/21884

You don't have to read that if you don't want to. I know this blog is getting long, but it's there if you have the time. Here are the parts that jumped off the page for me:

First when talking about how women dress--the specifics about braiding hair and wearing pearls/jewelry was a cultural thing. But the heart of the matter is still relevant to today. "Modestly," in the original language means "free from shame," and in that time, many of the women who dressed to draw attention to themselves were prostitutes. Those articles of clothing and adornments carried with them a sensual message. Paul is telling women that we need to dress ourselves in good deeds because we are to be set apart from the rest of the world. 

And I can agree with that. I don't see any issue with wearing makeup or jewelry. But if our primary motivation for those things is to attract the attention of men, or to make other women feel inferior to us, these behaviors point to something deep in our soul that feels the need for acceptance. But we don't need the acceptance from other people, because God totally accepts us for who we are on the inside. Being modest does not mean we're to be unattractive... it just means that we don't feel the need to draw attention to ourselves to satisfy a deeper need that only God can satisfy. 

Second, quietness does not equate to silence. It is an inner peace. 

Third, Paul is not putting the blame on women for the fall of man. According to the article I came across, "Paul isn’t implying that Adam was less guilty than Eve, nor is he putting all the blame on Eve. Both were culpable (Rom. 5:12). Nor is Paul implying that women are constitutionally more prone to deception than men. The Bible is clear that we all are easily deceived by sin and false doctrine. What Paul is getting at is that in the fall, the God-ordained roles were reversed. Satan didn’t approach Adam, but rather Eve, so that he could upset the reflection of God’s image in the original couple by enticing the woman to act independently of her husband’s and God’s authority. She didn’t need to remain under her husband or God; she could attain god-like existence by acting on her own. So Paul is saying here that this role reversal that brought such awful consequences on the human race should not be repeated in the church."

Me: Okay, God... so is this man who wrote this article doing a really good job of deceiving me? 

Father God: What are you afraid of?

Me: God, I don't want to trust my husband to be in control. He's gonna mess up! If I give him control, he could abuse me... he could make mistakes.. I know what's best, and I have to help him. He's not ready to be the spiritual leader in our home. Obviously, I have a closer relationship with you God. Look at me. I read my bible... I sing your praises... I volunteer my time... I was the one who talked my husband into giving more at church... I have it together... I should be the leader.

Father God: ...

Me: Uhh... well.. God... what I meant was... I'll trust him to lead... I'll submit to him... when he shows me he's worthy of that submission.

Father God: ... 1 Peter 3:1 "Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives."

Me: C'mon God. My husband is saved.. he's just not as spiritually mature as I am.

Father God: James 4:10 "Humble yourself before the Lord, and He will lift you up."

Me: Yeah, God. I see the problem here. It's my pride.

Father God: Let me help you with that. As a married couple, you and your husband reflect my relationship with Jesus and the Spirit. We are submitting to one another. We love each other and want what is best for each other. 

Me: Yes, of course. So what you're saying is, if my husband is submitting to me, then I can trust him and submit to him...

Father God: Not quite. Look at the relationship I had with Jesus.

Me: Okay.

Father God: What do you think of that relationship?

Me: It was probably the most loving relationship in all of history. 

Father God: Jesus and I are equal. Jesus was fully God and fully man. He was equal to me, yet he voluntarily submitted to my will. I was first in command... and I knew what was best for Him and the whole world. I knew what was going to bring the most peace and love into the world... even though it was soooo hard for Him to accept the sacrifice of giving Himself up on the cross. He trusted that I knew what I was doing. 

Me: Yeah, but didn't Jesus know how it would end?

Father God: Yes. I'm God the Father, and this is different than your husband. People make mistakes in this world. But you know how the story ends. Do you trust me?

Me: Yes, Lord! But I don't know if I trust him!

Father God: But you trust me?

Me: ... yes... I trust you.

Father God: He can do it. He can lead you. He loves you. He has your best interest at heart. You're going to have to forgive him sometimes. But I have a plan for you both. He is doing his best to follow me. Let him have the reigns and see where this thing goes.

Me: Okay, God. You're gonna have to help me with this... I'm gonna make some mistakes along the way.

Father God: Don't worry, Daughter. I hold your life in my hands... and I only want what is best for you and your husband. I love you.

And so began my journey to become a biblically submissive wife. 

I'm sure there will be some naysayers and feminists in an uproar... I would have been one of them a few weeks ago. But, I have to follow where I feel God is leading me. And He has never led me astray.