Appreciating his gift to me

As you may have gathered from my previous post, having a baby join our duo has caused a lot of conflict in my marriage. Even after recognizing the truth that the enemy is out to destroy my marriage and that God has put my husband and I together for His purpose... I still fall short of appreciating the gift of my husband. I also tend to forget how much my husband has given me. This happens usually when I become angry with him for some reason or another... and I focus on the negative qualities rather than remembering the good.

Just a few days ago, my husband and I were having one of those conflicts... it was a conflict so grave (in my mind) that I was considering leaving my marriage. The man that God has placed in my life asked me, "How would your life be different if I weren't in it?" Of course, I was thinking about the things that I was upset with my husband about, and I thought that if he weren't in my life, I wouldn't have to deal with all of that nonsense. And then the following words came out of my mouth... "The only difference if you weren't in my life is that I wouldn't have financial stability."

First of all, that is not true. But let's say in my negative thinking, in which I believed that to be the case, it were true. Financial stability is a big deal. I'm not saying that if I weren't with my husband, I couldn't find a way to financially support myself and my son--- as a matter of fact, I know I could. But how would my life be different if that were the case?

Well, the most important thing to consider is that I wouldn't get to stay home with my baby--- and I absolutely love staying home with my baby. Now, don't get me wrong... it's a challenging job. But I love it so much. I want to say... I have GREAT RESPECT for single/working mothers. I can't imagine how difficult it would be to do this job on my own. And for the working women who choose to work... I admire their sacrifice and that they are teaching their children the value of having a career and (especially if they have daughters) the importance of being able to contribute to society outside of the home as well. But the fact that I'm not forced into single parenthood against my will is such a blessing. And I get to choose when I want to work (and I have every intention of looking for a job in social work when (if we have more than one) my children are out of their first year) I love not having to give my baby to a stranger during the day who gets the thrill of watching him grow (if they would even notice). I love that I'm not missing out on any of his milestones... I love that he will feel loved by me every second of every day.

I want to be with my baby during the day. It is one of the deepest desires of my heart. And because my husband has made sacrifices prior to our parenthood... and continues to follow through with his working commitments... he has given me the biggest gift of all. How could I be so ignorant? I wasn't even thinking about it. I was taking this wonderful gift for granted. Somewhere deep inside of my sinful heart... I thought I deserved this luxury. But God corrected my thinking... because the only thing  I deserve is death. Praise God that Jesus paved a way and grants us who call on His name what we don't deserve-- life to the fullest!

It took me a day to reflect on this. I decided I needed to let my husband know how much I appreciate his gift to me. With tears running down my cheeks, I apologized to him for taking him for granted, and I let him know how much his hard work means to me. We will fail each other at times, but who are we to hold forgiveness from one another when Christ forgives us freely? It was truly a freeing experience to forgive my husband for what I considered wrongdoing, and to appreciate the goodness of God by providing me a spouse who loves me as much as he does. And to appreciate the love my husband  has for me and my son... that he is a provider to us. And remembering that being a provider is not any easier than being a stay at home mom. For some reason... I think that's what I was believing.

Shortly after our conversation and reconciliation, my husband left the room while I was playing with our son in the living room. All of the sudden, I hear my husband burst out in laughter from down the hall. I was utterly confused. He walks toward me, huge grin on his face, and says, "Guess what I found?"

I shrugged my shoulders.

He holds up my wedding band.

The wedding band that had been missing for two weeks. I started laughing and crying as I took my wedding ring back and slipped it on my finger. So strange how we both lost our wedding bands since having our child at the beginning of the year... and when we had moments of reconciliation we found them. The most ironic thing was my husband had been telling me, "I think we'll find your ring when you decide for certain that you want to stay married to me."

And that's exactly when we found it. God has such an interesting sense of humor.

I couldn't make this stuff up!

A Baby Changes Everything

It has been a long while since my last post... things have been very hectic. As you may remember from my previous post, I had reported that I was expecting my first son in January. He arrived 5 days early, at 5:54 am on January 1 :) He is a true blessing... and I love him dearly. I will have to create a birth story on here soon. But, today, I'd like to address how my baby has changed my life... and how he has affected my marriage.

Many people are aware that babies change the way you do things... of course, you anticipate the late night feedings, the diaper changes, and rocking the baby to sleep while singing lullabies. But what I didn't know, and should have... was that when you have a baby.. everything takes 5 times as long to get accomplished. It's no wonder that it has taken me 5 1/2 weeks to come back to blogging.

The main purpose of this blog is to outline my journey to becoming a biblically submissive wife. Well, nothing tests your marriage or your perseverance more than having a child. The past 5 1/2 weeks have had some of the most wonderful moments.... yet they have been the most difficult that my husband and I have ever faced together. Let's start at the beginning.

My husband is an amazing man, and his qualities were very evident the day I went into labor. He held my hand through each contraction; he coached me on my breathing; he caressed my face through the pain; and he marveled at the life we created together as our son was handed to us for the very first time. I could not have asked for a better coach... or a better person to be in the room with me that day. My husband shocked me at his ability to be so incredibly supportive and loving, while I was in labor and during the 2 day stay at the hospital.

Coming home... well... that was when things got rocky.

One of my husband's characteristics is that he doesn't respond well to change. He likes things to be a certain way... predictable patterns. Having your first baby is not only a lifestyle adjustment... but they are in no way, shape, or form predictable. I think this paired with some other insecurities made the adjustment to fatherhood difficult for my husband.

I couldn't understand this. Excitement and awe filled my heart as we introduced our son to his new home. (At first) I gleefully responded to his every need-- for food, for a change, to be held. I didn't understand how my husband was not just head over heels in love with our bundle of joy... the way that I was. Since I enjoyed taking care of the baby, and my husband was intimidated by the tasks, it became my sole responsibility to make sure that our baby had every need met. My husband would help occasionally, but only upon request and this request was not usually met with cheer. As time went on, I began to get fatigued. I began to resent my husband. And due to my unresolved anger... the enemy had a foothold. (Eph 4:27)

One early morning, around 4:30, I was so exhausted and drained, that while holding this crying baby, I was at my wits end. During the past 4 weeks, I had dramatically slowed down my sleep and food intake... all of my energy (what little there was) was being poured into this baby. And I could not understand why the little jerk wouldn't stop screaming. He had this odd desire to be awake from 2am-6am for the past three nights in a row. And I thought all newborns ever did was sleep....

I decided that this was the perfect moment to confront my husband. And of course, there is no better time than when you are sleep deprived, hungry, stressed, and holding a crying baby. (note the sarcasm). I would prefer not to get into every gory detail here, but the end result was an angry wife screaming at her husband that she wanted a divorce. And, to my shock, my husband considered it as an option with me.

Can someone tell me what just happened? We had been making so much progress together as a couple... God had been so faithful to bring us out of trying times. And there we were, with a one month old son, considering leaving each other forever.

The following day, I contacted a friend of mine whom I have known since high school. This friend was the maid of honor at my wedding, and I am her matron of honor in her upcoming wedding this spring; so we are very close. However, she does not know my husband as well as she knows me... she only knows what I tell her about him. I proceeded to tell her every gory detail of the argument that my husband and I had encountered the night previously. This was not the first time I had shared such personal and intimate details of my marriage with this friend. And I asked her if I could come stay with her for a period of time to clear my head, as my husband and I contemplated where to go from there. Of note: this friend lives across the country, so going to stay with her would mean that my husband would have little to no contact with me or our son... phone and facebook would be the only means of communication. My friend welcomed me and even offered to fund my trip.

Shortly after that conversation with my friend, my husband called me and told me that he loves me and does not want our marriage to end. I then reported to him my decision to fly across the country to stay with my friend for a couple of weeks. He asked me not to set that in stone until he was able to come home and discuss it with me, and I obliged his request. When he came home, he apologized for his part in the blowout from the night before and agreed to help more with the baby. I decided the best thing would be to forgive him and to give him a chance to show me that he was willing to be more helpful. He also suggested going to our marriage counselor--which is something we hadn't done in a year. After a few days of him demonstrating his willingness to share in caring for our son, and a meeting with a counselor (and a future meeting scheduled), I decided not to leave.

One thing I found really significant, is that my husband is now beginning to enjoy caring for our son. I think it just takes men longer to bond (well, that's a given) than women because we have a special connection to this child from the moment we find out we are pregnant.

A current problem I have caused for myself is that I have essentially pitted this friend of mine against my husband. When I told her that I had changed my mind about coming to stay with her, she informed me that she does not support my marriage and that she is worried about me. She truly believes that I am in an abusive relationship. The truth of the matter is... as broken, selfish people, we all abuse one another. My husband has never laid a finger on me; sadly, I can't say that I haven't laid a finger on him. I'm not trying to make excuses for his behavior or for mine, but we all have to face the reality that we hurt each other. Part of being a sinner is recognizing that we all put our own needs before the needs of others on occasion. (Romans 3:23) I would never tell a woman that she should physically stay in a relationship where she is not safe. But I do believe that with God, all things are possible... and his Spirit can heal even the most broken of marriages if both parties are willing to give Him that power. I know this is my desire, and I see in my husband a desire to do the same.  I now only wish that I had not brought my friend into this situation, because I have painted a picture of my husband's sins to this person... sins that he is ashamed of and is genuinely trying to overcome. I now realize that I need to be more selective with whom I share specific information with about our marriage-- leaving it to our counselor, close family members, and Christian friends who know both of us.

One final thought...

The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy...

I (Jesus) have come that they may have life and have it to the fullest.

John 10:10

My husband brought up an eerie reality about the problems surrounding our marriage over the past month. Upon arriving home from the hospital with our son, my husband misplaced his wedding band. It was missing for 4 weeks before he found it in a pair of pajamas that he normally does not wear.

Only a couple days after, I lost my wedding band. We still have not found it.

We found this so terrifying.. the message coming through loud and clear.

It became so real to us... that there are real powers... that Satan is really prowling around like a lion. He wants our marriage to fail. He will use any means necessary to see that happen. Because he knows that God can make our marriage a testimony of his love, grace, and forgiveness. I believe he's behind the rings being missing... he wants to plant thoughts in our mind that maybe it's not worth looking for it... maybe it's not worth replacing it... after all... will you be married tomorrow?

But God makes all things new. What is impossible to men, is possible with God. We believe this. Pray that we find my wedding ring. And pray that I don't allow the influences of this world or fear keep me from doing God's will in my marriage.

O.G.M.

Born January 1, 2014 at 5:54 am

7 lb, 14 oz

19 1/4 " long